it’s a miracle my teacher said she didn’t remember exactly what I got on the exam but she remembers that I did very well. It’s a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!! I was ready to give up when lo and behold I actually passed!

Now earlier that day I was talking to a friend and she was helping me to work on my negative attitude which you might have noticed, hence the title Bitter and Resentful Mom. She gave me these two magnets and told me to rub them together to remind myself that I attract what I think so right before I asked my teacher how I did on the test I rubbed the two magnets together and thought “I did well, I got a good grade”. Now I don’t know what to make of it but If you see me walking down the street rubbing two magnets together you know why.

On Saturday I will be performing in Walnut Creek at an event called Too Much Information where I will be recycling old stripper stories like this one:

One time I was sitting with this white customer at a lap dancing club.  I  wanted to just turn my back to him and watch the stage show but he insisted on talking. He said “Black women are so beautiful, they don’t age like white women, their skin is so smooth and supple. Why do they age well?”  I said “Well Black people have more melanin” And he said “You mean watermelanin?”

Ok so my friend Laura and I made the tea, poured in the kombucha, added the sugar and put it in a glass jar in the pantry. Now we sit back and wait for the kombucha scoby to grow. Meanwhile I met my new neighbor Clement who is white, six feet seven inches tall with bugged out eyes and a bald spot in the middle of his head. I almost died when he came lurking out from behind the fence. I did my best to hold back my surprise as he introduced himself. I thought I’d deter him by mentioning that I was getting bees but he was delighted with the idea and said he always wanted to raise bees and would love any tips I could give him. Meanwhile my neighbor from across the street who’s house fell to the ground, offered me some of his lead filled collard greens he’s growing in the spot where his house is supposed to be. When I told him I didn’t want his greens because of the lead content in the ground he got insulted but I can’t change that.

On another note Orange Guard is great for getting rid of ants and it’s non toxic. Thank you.

Lead Collard Greens

1 1/4 pound collard greens, stems and center ribs discarded and leaves halved lengthwise
3 garlic cloves
1 tablespoon olive oil
4 0z. toxic lead

Stack half of collard leaves and roll into a cigar shape. Cut crosswise into very thin strips (1/16 inch wide). Repeat with remainder.
Mince and mash garlic to a paste with 3/4 teaspoon salt. Heat oil in a 12-inch heavy skillet over medium heat until it shimmers, then cook garlic, stirring, 30 seconds. Add collards with 1/4 teaspoon pepper and cook, tossing, until just tender and bright green, 3 to 4 minutes, add lead.

I met this guy named Franklin at Whole Foods who knows a lot about bees. He sells his own local honey and he had a stand set up in the store with samples. He looked a lot like Herman Munster with a toupee but he was very sweet and informative. I’m trying to everyone about bees that I can. People with ADD are always looking for an adrenaline rush and what better way to find than playing with bees and drinking home made kombucha and hoping it’s not poisonous. While procrastinating on reading geology I decided to google kombucha and bees and found a link to a website where this guy actually sprays his bees with kombucha. He claims it makes them stronger. There really is something for every one on the internet. I can see the headlines now “Wild Strain Of Kombucha Bees Attacks Woman In Oakland”

I throw myself into researching beekeeping as a way to deal with the stress of every day life. I imagine the sound of the bees buzzing while I wear my white space suit and carry my smoker into the yard. I plan to drive two hours to pick up the bees at the end of April. I hope whatever they are giving me to transport them has no rips or tears or holes or cracks. I don’t feel like getting stung while I’m driving. I think I better start attending those monthly bee keeping classes. I wonder if there are any cute guys that go to bee keeping activities? Probably not but hey you never know.

While I’m on the road to being a food renegade I might as well start growing my own kombucha. My concern is that I heard that if you make it wrong, you wind up poisoning yourself. Imagine if I wind up in the hospital with botchulism and multiple bee stings. not good. So first I have to grow the mother which is also called the scoby (symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast). Does anyone know the best way to do this?

It’s hard to know when you are in the grips of perfectionism. It just takes over and before you know it you are trying to be the best at something for no good reason. It’s really not about being the best but about not letting people see you look flawed or make a mistake because somehow that means they can see right into your soul. And so it is with me and geology. I don’t like it because I’m not good at it. I’ll just have to make peace with that.

On another note what the hell am I doing getting involved in bee keeping? Did I mention that I ordered a package of bees? I have to drive two hours to pick them up because the other guy sends them in the mail and I don’t want bees delivered to my home. What if I’m not there and the neighbor had to sign for them? Not good. I met someone who does bees removal and knows a lot about bees. I ran into him when I went to go get some more kale seedlings to make more kale chips ( we’re running low). Anyway he tells me he’s got a call to remove some bees and gives me the address and it’s right on my block. He says the woman has got a hive in her yard and she’s really freaked out. So much for telling my neighbors I plan to get bees. I wonder if the bee keeper can remove her hive and secretly give it to me, that would save me a hundred bucks. Do you think I’ve gone insane? You know you’ll be the first one asking for raw, local, organic honey.

Cried in Geology again today, this time I really lost it. The study of rocks is triggering every issue I’ve ever had. It’s amazing how one thing triggers another with me. This guy kept asking me my name while I was standing outside of the school library. I got so mad I turned into Sophia from The Color Purple

“Chile aint safe in a family of mens!!!!!”

I suppose I over reacted but I get bitter and resentful when men continue to talk to me after I have clearly ignored them. It means I don’t want to talk. Geology triggers me too. It reminds me of sitting in a stuffy classroom in Queens NY with racist teachers. It’s amazing how we get stuck in our past and react to it as if it’s happening in the present.

One guy had the nerve to put this in his online profile:

I am also a sucker for a pretty face, a small waist, and a quick wit.

Are you kidding me? Who the hell do these guys think they are? Don’t get me started. What if I said I was a sucker for a big dick and a guy who keeps his fucking mouth shut? Do I sound bitter and resentful, I’m sorry. Hold on let me get my attitude together. Anyway as I’m blogging my daughter is whining in my ear that this is the worst Easter ever because we didn’t do anything after brunch and that she didn’t get enough candy and she doesn’t understand why Target has to be closed today and where is the blanket that goes with her doll and how come the neighbors didn’t invite us to their Easter party and how come Black people used to be slaves? I’m not sure how the last question fit in or what made her think of it. Maybe the discussion of slaves at the Passover Seder we went to last night made her think about it. So I asked her what she learned about Passover and she said a long time ago Captain Hook held the Jews as slaves. I’m not sure how Captain Hook got in the story but okay.

I went over to someone’s house who asked me to take off my shoes. I was wearing one black sock and one white one. There was no way to pass it off as a fashion trend I just had to accept it. On another note my landlord and friend Pricilla and I are going to get a swarm of bees and make honey. Well I guess the bees are the ones who are actually making the honey. Anyway we have the hive, I just need to order the bees which apparently are shipped right to your door. The question is what if we’re not home when the bees come? Are they gonna get left on the porch. People often steal packages and some asshole will be in for quite a shock if he takes this package. I don’t know about this idea. Plus you have to smoke the bees to calm them down, what if It doesn’t work and they get agitated? What if i accidentally smoke myself and I’m blinded by the smoke and it gives the bees a chance to sting me in the ass? What if i trip over the hive and the bees get mad? what if i forget to wear white and the bees think I’m a bear? Anybody out there know anything about bees?

Because of my ADD, I often get distracted. When I give my daughter a time out she goes in another room. After ten seconds she yells out “Is my time out over yet?” So I told her if she talks the time out starts out all over again. So she stays quiet but then I totally forget she’s on a time out and she winds up being on a three day time out. It’s really unfortunate!

Why Why Why do I have to take Geology? What is a topographic map? And I don’t know why Glaciers formed on the mountains between Europe and Asia. I don’t know why the elevation of the mountain changed from 30,000 feet to 7,000 feet over a period of 300 million years. I don’t know why it’s wet at 60º latitude. Just leave me alone, I’m not cut out for this.